Winds of Change

Help!

I think I've come down with the flu.  Last night I woke up feeling horrid - sweating, sore throat, head ache. And it's only gotten worse today. I have sweats one moment, chills the next, my head is killing me, I feel sick to my stomach, although I haven't eaten.  I hope I don't have some strange boat illness or a disease from Mexico. But I haven't felt this all over bad in years. I can't even go to the store to get meds! 

I just did something I haven't done in 10 years. I called my x and asked him to get me some medicine. He has the kids tonight and will be bringing them home later - so I asked him to stop at the store on the way home. He said yes. I just hate asking him to do anything. We've been divorced nearly 10 years and this is the first time I've asked him to do something for me that didn't involve the kids. It's better than being in misery all night! I'm crawling back in my bed now.

He is from Slovakia

The Fabulous Bartender from the cruise has been sending me text messages on my cellphone - something I have not done much of before now. His English is good, and his accent is sexy. This is what he sent to me this evening while the ship was at port:

I was reading last night from one of my favorite books and there was one short part for you. I want to write it to you, but first I have to translate it from slovakian.

From Shakespeare: "If I had to write the beauty of your eyes, In ages to come they would say that this poet lies, for never has such heavenly beauty touched such earthly faces."

Sweet dreams and sleep well my angel.

And I shall...

I tried to hide

I didn't want to get off the boat. I had so much fun this past week. Didn't get near enough sleep. Ate way too much food.

This is the place I called home for a week. See the area where the bow of the ship extends the furthest? It is an area of the boat restricted to crew only. But it was just a little sign and it was dark, 4 a.m., the first night of the cruise. My sister, S, and I were exploring and thought it would be such an adventure to make it to the front of the ship. "I want to be king of the world!" we both exclaimed, as we climbed over railings and steel beams. We were about half-way there and decided to sit and enjoy the view of the stars, and smoke a cigarette. It was beautiful - until the search light came on. We sat very still thinking they must be doing a routine check of the ocean. The alarm going off convinced us we were in trouble. "Don't move!" I told S. "Be one with the boat!" S said in a whisper, "Don't worry, we are dressed in black. They won't see us." "S, the boat is white!" When the search light's movement stopped, with the light directly on us, we were scared - "Oh shit. They are going to kick us off the boat. The first night of the cruise and they are going to kick us off!" Two men with flashlights began making their way toward us. I decided to be proactive, "Hi! We're over here! We're just looking at the stars!!" One of the men called back, "Hi ladies, please come with us. Let us help you back." Then the groveling began. "We're so sorry. We didn't mean to cause a problem. Please don't kick us off the boat. We won't do it again. We just wanted to be king of the world!"  One man tried to stifle a laugh, "Oh no, ladies, this is very dangerous - you can't go to the front of the boat. This is for the crew only." S asked,"Well, since you are here - can you take us to the front??" "Oh no no mam! This is not something we can do. We need your names and cabin number please." "Are you going to kick us off?" "No, but please do not come back to this part. Crew only. You are a passenger."

S and I were escorted to our rooms, where we laughed so hard I'm sure we woke up everyone within a two-floor range. A couple of nights later, I saw one of the security men. I asked him, "Were you working Sunday night?' "Yes, mam." "Were you working very late, like at 4 a.m.?" "Yes, mam." "Did I meet you at 4 a.m.?" "Ha - yes, mam, in the front of the boat!" We both began laughing. "So, I have to ask you, how did you know we were there?" "Well, we have camera's all over the boat. And we saw your cigarettes glowing..." "Oh no! So... were you all laughing at us up there?"  And he first went to shake his head, no, but then nodded yes, "Yes, we were laughing at you!" "You saw us trying to hide??" "Yes, we saw you." He was laughing. "Does this happen a lot?" "Um... no. Every now and then someone gets the urge to be king of the world. But not many try."  For the rest of the week, the security people would see S and me and say, "We know you! Are you behaving yourselves now?"  One of them confessed that the story had been shared and we had been pointed out as the women who had caused the security alarms to go off the first night. At least they didn't throw us off the boat.

The sunset in Key West was gorgeous.

This is a picture of part of the collection of glasses we ended up - and yes those are shot glasses in the back.

This is inside the ship.

I had a great time. Made many new friends. I'm having a difficult time getting back to my real life. The staff on the cruise were all amazing - making you feel like you were their favorite passenger (and I'm sure they made all passengers feel that way!), including the security men. I didn't lose my dress. Have many wonderful memories - including some of a certain supply room I visited with the fabulous bartender of the late night lounge. I'm totally hooked on cruises now. Will save all my money and vacation time to go on more.

I'm Leaving

Not on a jet plane, but a cruise ship!! Don't know when I'll be back again. Vacation!! I can't wait to walk on to that ship tomorrow and pull away from the land, leaving behind my work and day-to-day life. I've never been on a cruise - not a real cruise anyway. My honeymoon many lifetimes ago involved a day cruise to and from the Bahamas. But this is a 6-night cruise. I had to buy a couple of fancy dresses for the formal dining at night! One is a strapless long black glittery thing. I never dress like this! I just hope it doesn't fall off. I can see me stepping on the hem and pulling the whole dress down to my hips! Or falling off my shoes. Yes, I'm not known for possessing a graceful demeanor. My sisters are arriving later today. The dog is at a nice boarding place I just found - one without cages! All the dogs hang out together and have a huge outdoor play area with jungle gyms to climb on and hoops to jump through and ramps to run up and jump off of. She will be so happy. I had to take her for an "interview" earlier this week, so they can make sure all the dogs are nice and will behave. She passed and was allowed to go back! I still have to pack and take care of a few things. But I am ON VACATION!! I plan on taking lots of photos while I'm away. But, will not be online. A WHOLE week!  So talk amongst yourselves and have a good week!

More Music by MELB

This song is a tribute to our conversation about Jesus being a socialist!

And this is my favorite song, the song that made me cry, and made me want to crawl into his bed.

And for something a little more upbeat.

Enjoy!

(This is another post of his music.)

Cranky

MELB: When I was in high school and they would talk about making the students wear uniforms, I would get all pissed about it. Now I think they should.

Gale: Why? I think it is the worst idea. What exactly do you think it would acheive? What problem would that solve?

M: It would give all kids an equal start...

G: Why not teach kids to have values so it doesn't fucking matter what clothes kids wear, that shouldn't be what makes a difference.

M: No, but you have all these kids around here driving beemers and  worried about having the right clothes, just to fit in.

G: Exactly. And making all the kids wear the same clothes won't change a thing. What has to change is their heart.  People have to start caring about something besides money.  Here we are, living in a conservative Christian cluster-fuck. I blame Christianity for this fucked up value system we have.

M: What do you mean?

G: It's Calvinism at its worst. It's what's behind the Protestant Work Ethic. If you work hard, God will bless you. And a sign that God has blessed you is prosperity.  So the wealthy deserve what they have, because it is God's blessing for being good, and a sign that you are one of the elect, and the poor are obviously getting what they deserve, so they can go to hell, literally and figuratively. This is the mindset that this country was founded on and all it has done is create a society where no one cares about anyone but themselves.

M: Yeah, a professor I had said pretty much the same thing, capitalism grew out of the Protestant belief system.

G: Well, that isn't completely correct. Not all Protestants were  Calvinists. But yes, in general that is right.

M: I thought all Protestants were Calvinists.

G: No, there were the Lutherans - they didn't agree with Calvin. He came after Luther. And then there were the Anabaptists. They came around the same time as Calvin, but completely disagreed with Calvin. The Anabaptists are my heroes. And they were slaughtered by the thousands. They actually tried to live like Jesus - they didn't own property at all, or anything. Everything was shared - food, everything. They were completely non-violent. And they said baptizing babies was stupid. Only adults should be baptized - like Jesus was 30 when he did it. And it should reflect a true conversion - a change of life. So they pissed off everyone. Catholics, other Protestants. And they were killed because they were such a threat to the status quo.

M: So Jesus was a socialist.

G: Yes. He never owned anything. Never owned land and believed we should take care of all.

M: But he never actually said that...

G: Yes he did - all the time. What do you think he was doing with the loaves and fish? If people would just be willing to share what they had, no matter how meager, everyone could be fed, now matter how many needed to eat, there would be enough to go around. And he was killed because he threatened the status quo. It's fucking ridiculous the way Calvinism has perverted Christianity and is still insidious in our society, even though most people would say they aren't Calvinists.  They claim to be Christians, just like all the people around here. But Jesus would be pissed. This capitalist society where your car and clothes are more important than how you treat other people isn't what he had in mind.

M: I think we should have sex. You get me all turned on when you talk like that...

Where to begin...

The last 18 hours have been unbelievably hard. Sometimes I regret moving here. Here being this conservative affluent Texas town. One of the wealthiest towns, per capita, in the country. I am not wealthy. My kids and I laugh about living in the ghetto. This ghetto is the best place I've lived since being a single mom. We have a three bedroom home, two car garage, fireplace, and fenced in backyard. But this IS the ghetto for this town.

Here we are in this wealthy place, and we have the highest teen suicide rate and teen death by DUI, for any town in the country. Kids can buy drugs easily. Last year, at a local park, a drug deal between two high school kids went bad. A fight broke out and one kid has never recovered. He was beat with a tire iron. Brain damaged and his face will never be repaired. But it was never in the newspaper. Neither was the story of a 19 year-old female's body found on the street, raped and murdered. Yes, this is God fearing country. Mega-churches on every corner. Everyone has a nice life.

So my kids, both teens, have had to deal with drug use. They decided to tell me that their friends are using. I had to contact the other parents and tell them. I would want to be told if it was my kids. Everything is a mess. My kids have owned up to telling me and their "friends" are not so pleased. My daughter is staying home from school tomorrow because she can't deal with all of this. She is sick over what is happening. My son is trying to hang on to his friends and be honest about his feelings about drug use. It's not okay. It will lead to problems. And he was worried about his friends. I have parents wanting to call the police. But that's not the answer. These kids need more than that. They need to find value in their life and that won't happen in juvi-hall. I'm worried for their safety. They have kids very mad at them for "telling". What choice did I have but to tell the parents of the other kids, once I knew?

I read a book called "Is There No Other Way?" by Michael Nagler.  He wrote about how the use of drugs nearly disappeared in Palestinian youth, and adults, at the start of the most recent Intifada. He is not advocating violence at all.  But pointing out how when these kids had a purpose in life, they no longer had the desire to use drugs. The kids here have no purpose in life. Everything has been given to them. There is no direction. So they are killing themselves and each other, at a heartbreaking rate. And I brought my kids here to live, thinking I was doing a good thing. Finding a place where the schools are good and the crime is low - at least the reported crime.

You know where they say they want to live? Back in Berkeley, CA. Talk about ghetto. We lived at the bottom of the Hills, in the Flats. If you've been there you know what I'm talking about. Tiny house. Mixed ethnic groups. But it was different. People's values were different.  It didn't matter what name-brand you wore, or what kind of car you drove. It mattered how you treated people. It mattered if you took care of the environment. My kids knew this, even though they were only 9 and 10.  There was a commotion in their bedroom one day and I went to see what all the yelling was about. One poor kid had Nike shoes on and the other kids were telling him how bad Nike is. I had to tell them to be nice, he was only a kid and wearing what his parents had bought him. That would never happen here. Now, the commotion is over who told the adults about the drugs.

My heart is breaking for these kids. The ones doing drugs as well as my own who have decided not to, and risk alienation in their high school. I don't know how to protect them. I don't know how to make this all okay. I tell them how proud I am. How glad I am that they have made good decisions. But I know what it is like to be a teen and want nothing more than to be one of the gang. To be accepted. To have friends. That is more important to them than their mom being pleased. 

I worry that I have made a huge mistake in moving here. And I don't know what to do. I can't just pick up and move us again. I want my kids to be happy and do well. And right now, they are not.