Winds of Change

I'm not ready to come back.

Four days away. No television. No internet (well, a 28k dial-up connection doesn't count.) No news. My spirits were lifting.  I went horseback riding. I sang and danced. I connected with old friends and made some new ones.

I struggle with this. Ignoring the world because it is just so fucked up. And knowing that is part of the fucked-upness. If people ignore what is happening it will just continue. And we have to find a way to stop it.

These children were in the car with their parents and survived the attack carried out by U.S. troops, but neither parent survived.  See the rest of the pictures at BBC news.

I don't know how to make sense of this sort of thing happening in our world. But it makes me sick. When I read through political blogs and news sites, I have this awful feeling that things are going to get much worse before they get better.

Here is what  Seymour Hersch has to say:

On the macro, we're hopeless. We're nowhere. The press is nowhere. The congress is nowhere. The military is nowhere. Every four-star General I know is saying, “Who is going to tell them we have no clothes?” Nobody is going to do it. Everybody is afraid to tell Rumsfeld anything. That's just the way it is. It's a system built on fear. It's not lack of integrity, it's more profound than that. Because there is individual integrity. It's a system that's completely been taken over -- by cultists. Anyway, what's going to happen, I think, as the casualties mount and these stories get around, and the mothers see the cost and the fathers see the cost, as the kids come home. And the wounded ones come back, and there's wards that you will never hear about. That's wards -- you know about the terrible catastrophic injuries, but you don't know about the vegetables. There's ward after ward of vegetables because the brain injuries are so enormous. As you maybe read last week, there was a new study in one of the medical journals that the number of survivors are greater with catastrophic injuries because of their better medical treatment and the better armor they have. So you get more extreme injuries to extremities. We're going to learn more and I think you're going to see, it's going to -- it's -- I'm trying to be optimistic. We're going to see a bottom swelling from inside the ranks. You're beginning to see it. What happened with the soldiers asking those questions, you may see more of that. I'm not suggesting we're going to have mutinies, but I'm going to suggest you're going to see more dissatisfaction being expressed. Maybe that will do it. Another salvation may be the economy. It's going to go very bad, folks. You know, if you have not sold your stocks and bought property in Italy, you better do it quick. And the third thing is Europe -- Europe is not going to tolerate us much longer. The rage there is enormous. I'm talking about our old-fashioned allies. We could see something there, collective action against us. Certainly, nobody -- it's going to be an awful lot of dancing on our graves as the dollar goes bad and everybody stops buying our bonds, our credit -- our -- we're spending $2 billion a day to float the debt, and one of these days, the Japanese and the Russians, everybody is going to start buying oil in Euros instead of dollars. We're going to see enormous panic here. But he could get through that. That will be another year, and the damage he’s going to do between then and now is enormous. We’re going to have some very bad months ahead.

AMY GOODMAN: Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Seymour Hersh. This news just in: 31 Marines have died in a helicopter crash in Iraq.

And there is rumor that there are thousands more dead and wounded U.S soldiers from the war in Iraq than have been reported by the DoD.  Some suggest the number may be as high as 6,000.  The numbers of dead in Viet Nam were lied about, so don't think our government isn't capable of this.

Nothing to see here...

I am feeling much better as the days pass. I've seen MMH again, for another session, and I do believe what we are doing together has helped, and will continue to. Things at work are going well. People are happy with my work, and after a year and a half here, I feel the direction I've been trying to move things is taking hold. My staff has all received an increase in their hours, which is good for all involved. They would both like to become full time in the next couple of years, but aren't ready for that yet. They both have kids, and as their kids get older, they want to work more. I hope we can continue to meet their needs. I am lucky to have wonderful people to work with. I have been in situations where that wasn't the case. These women keep me sane, and we laugh, a lot. And they do good work.

The only thing still troubling me at the moment are the health concerns.  Why is that when something could be wrong, it is always on a spectrum of "probably nothing to worry about" to "but it could be a BRAIN TUMOR". I've seen a doctor, and she just has no idea. She did a thorough check. And as she put it, she found "no gross abnormalities". I started laughing, as she had just done the female probes and prods. "Gee, thanks... I'm glad there was nothing gross to find..." She got this horrified look on her face and began apologizing, "No, no, I don't mean gross, gross, It's a medical term..." I laughed some more, "I know, it just sounded funny to me, under the circumstances. You might want to think of a better word to use than gross, after looking down there." She started laughing, too. "I hadn't really thought of it that way, but you're right!"  The only thing they have found is low blood-pressure, which could be the result of a thyroid problem, which could explain my other problems. If it's not thyroid, it could be a BRAIN TUMOR. I put that in all caps because that's how it sounds... there should be a drum roll or flashing lights, or something.  And I know they have to say that, give the worst case scenario, just to cover all the bases. I honestly don't believe that this is worst case, I don't feel all that bad. Just more tired than I should, and the female stuff not on schedule, and no, I'm not preggers.

Things I'm looking forward to: I have two weeks of traveling coming up. One week is work related,and the other is FUN. Pure unadulterated FUN. My sister is taking me, all expenses paid, on a cruise. She, and her husband, are taking me and my other sister, actually. The three of us haven't done something fun together, without our kids, in years. I love my sisters. And this is a greatly needed vacation - especially with the brain tumor, it may be the last vacation I have.... HAAA! It is hard to write sarcasm. But let me explain. My Mom has a tendency to assume the worst. She talks about my dad's cancer. He had a mole removed. No chemo, no radiation. A mole removed. So, I've talked to my sister about my health concerns, and we agreed to not tell Mom, because she will be going with the brain tumor story, and for years will talk about my near death experience. And there will be many overly-concerned unnecessary phone calls "so... how are you?? Have they found the brain tumor??" So now, when my sister and I talk, we add the brain tumor excuse to everything. "I really need this vacation, because with the brain tumor.... it could be my last..."  "I forgot to call someone back, but with the brain tumor, it's understandable..." "I yelled at my kids, and if I didn't have this brain tumor, I would have been more patient." It comes in handy. Yes, my sisters and I have a wicked sense of humor. We've had to, to cope with our mom.

Ok. enough rambling.

Back to the Earth

It was the same drive but a different trip. Down the interstate, with a sense of calm. This song playing as I enjoyed the cool air through the open window. Skies blue and sun shining. I was going to meet MMH, to begin the work we had talked about.

The week has been long. Working, keeping it all at bay. I had a few days when I thought the worse was happening and couldn't bring myself to imagine how I would continue. MMH didn't call when he had said he would. And I've always had this fear that anyone who could see the pain I've held, and knew why it is there, would turn away. Would run away. Because I wish I could run away from it. I don't want to see it myself. Why would anyone else want to? I sent an email, trying not to sound needy, but asking what had happened. Had he decided we couldn't do this after all? He called right away, apologizing, assuring me he was there, and we set up a time to get together.

We sat on the floor as MMH began looking into my life. He told me things I needed to hear and gave me insight into the current struggles I have. I feel more confident now to confront the things and people I need to confront. I have to remember that I am stronger than I usually give myself credit. As MMH said, anyone who has gone through what I have gone through, and has held her life and self together has more strength than is realized. And I have to start working from a place of strength rather than self-doubt. MMH also confirmed something that I have been sensing. There are people in my work environment who are being destructive and deceitful. And I need to enter the conflict that is brewing and put a stop to it. If I don't, other people who are depending on me will be hurt in the aftermath. I have never told MMH about Creepy Guy, and MMH said, "there are people you have met and you know there is something wrong with them, they are bad, and you are right. You need to know that and act on it. Because of what you have been through, you doubt yourself, but you are right." And this is true, I worry that I over react to people because of my past, that I sense danger from someone when it isn't there. I need to own my experience as a learning, something that has created in me the ability to sense what others might not, and stop with the second guessing.

And this time, MMH sees a blessing waiting for me, rather than the black cloud that was seen before. The blessings are there, abundance and wealth, not necessarily financial, but those things which I truly need in my life for happiness and joy are waiting. The path needs to be cleared, my life needs to be cleared, so that these blessings can come my way. We have more work to do together, to clear the path. To open me up to the blessings that are there waiting. And these blessings will extend through me, through the work I do, to others. To those who come to me for their own healing. I may never know the details of what happened to me at such a young age. MMH said it was done by someone my family trusted, and this is true. But that is all he could see. Right now, I feel more at peace with the not knowing than I have in a long time.  I have always thought I had to know what happened to fully deal with it and let it go. Maybe this isn't true. Maybe there are ways that our hurts can be healed, even the hurts we don't fully understand. Maybe there are people who have the ability to heal us. Not maybe. There ARE people who have the ability to heal us. And for reasons I do not understand, twice now, people from this religious tradition that is not my own have come into my life to help me when I needed it most. Maybe what was done last time was all I was ready for, and now I am ready for more. Maybe it will be needed again. But I am trusting that I will be healed, and my life will be better for it. I have trusted MMH from the moment I met him and feel a comfort with him that I can't explain.  And I am doing what needs to be done, at this point in my life.

This is your suicide...

I listened to this song over and over as I drove down the interstate, faster than I should be in the rain, brushing tears out of my eyes. My leg was shaking with my foot on the gas pedal. Just get there, just get there and it will all be okay. This is why you met him. This is why he came into your life. Because he knows how to fix what is broken.

Usually this happens slowly, a crawling fall into a bleak cold place. Not this time. I was fine. I was writing.
Cracking crashing
Coming undone
The eggshell cracks open
Ever so easily
White smooth surface
Tiny fissures
Break the membrane
Out flows yellow life

Cracking crashing
Coming undone
The rock crack opens
Under the harshest of conditions
Fire then ice
Slamming rock against rock
Shattering shards fly
Piercing surfaces less kind
Crystals exposed in all their splendor.

Cracking crashing
Coming undone
I am the egg and the rock
Fragile and solidified
Tiny fissures and harsh conditions
Threaten my core
Life and beauty
Flow and pierce
Egg against rock
Smashes all hope
Of remaining
Intact.

I called MELB and said, "I need to see you." He had plans already, and I didn't really tell him how badly I needed it.  I didn't know myself until the words came out and I couldn't breathe back in. And when he said no, I couldn't see beyond those words. I clicked the cell phone off and went back to writing.  Writing things so dark I dare not share them here. And I knew I had to find someone to help.  I kept hearing his voice in my head when I would close my eyes, so I sat in my car and called MMH.  He answered right away and after saying hi, he said, you need to talk don't you? I couldn't answer. He calmed me, "no, no, baby, you don't have to do this, it's going to be ok. I will meet you where ever you want, and we will get through this." 

I found a table, not many people were out on this cold rainy night. I sat and wrote some more, waiting for MMH to arrive. I had gone to the bathroom and was standing under a heat lamp when I saw him walking toward me. He took me in his arms as the tears flowed. "What happened? What did this to you?" he asked. "I don't know. It just happened so quickly." He led me to a table in an empty back room, and I handed him my journal, and he read all the despair I had poured out there, as I sat and cried. When he had finished, he took my hands in his, and said, "You've been here before haven't you?" I nodded yes, to this and all he continued to say.  "You usually keep this at bay. But it is getting harder each time to push it away. You were hurt, you were hurt badly by someone, when you were a teen-ager. And it's never been healed. He hurt you in a way you should have never been hurt. And we can make this go away. But there is more than this one time, you were little the first time. And I can't see what it was, it is hidden away, hidden from you, too.  What do you know of this?"  I explained how therapists have never been able to unlock this lost memory, but all have agreed something really bad happened when I was 8, and none have been willing to use hypnosis or anything to help me remember. They all thought it was best left un-remembered. "It makes me crazy though, not knowing. And I need to know what happened." I choked out in sobs. MMH continued, "Remember how you told me you had met a Yoruba priest before, and spent time with him in rituals. What did he tell you?" "He told me I had a black cloud over me." "And what did you do? Did he help you to get rid of it?" "Yes, we did more rituals, I did everything he told me to do." "Then the work was not complete. There is more to be done. It is easy to diagnose. It is easy in my religion to see the problem. It is much harder to heal, and that is what I devoted my life to many years ago. I was a child when I knew this is what I am supposed to do and began training then. And I won't stop helping you until we get through this. I knew before I answered my phone that you needed me. And this is why we met. I told you that first night I had been waiting for you. We have work to do together. Because what you need, what you deserve, is to be healed. The priest you worked with before didn't finish things, and I was sent to you to help now.  It may take some time, but we can do this. People need you. People depend on you. And your pain helps you understand them. Helps you in your work. But we can make it so it doesn't make you want to leave this place. You can't quit. You are here for a reason. You just have to hang on here with me."

MMH and I sat for a long time and talked, all the time he was holding my hands and taking away the pain, replacing it with calm.  I don't know how to explain what he does for me. How his touch and voice move into my soul and soothe me. How he knows things I've never told him. How he knows what I need. How he holds me against him and I breathe him in. But he helped me through the night, and for the first time in a long time, I believe this will be healed, in time.

For the Curious!

Just in case you were wondering, as at least 1 person was, here are the titles and artists of the surprise hoilday music I posted in December.

Surprise song #1 Christmas by Blues Traveler
Surprise song #2 Christians and Pagans by Dar Williams
Surprise song #3 Feast of Lights by They May Be Giants
Surprise song #4 Children Go Where I Send Thee by Natalie Merchant
Surprise song #5 Sleigh Ride by TLC
Surprise song #6 Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum by Jimmy Buffet
Surprise song #7 Christmas Day by Dido
Surprise song #8 Happy Christmas (War Is Over) by The Alarm
Surprise song #9 River by Linda Ronstadt
Surprise song #10 Silent Night by Cyndi Lauper
Surprise song #11 The Little Drummer Boy Medley by Jimi Hendrix

And Gudy, with one correct answer - Surprise song #7, is our winner! Yeah Gudy!! Now... to come up with a prize... more music?? haa! No, I will think of something.

Who needs a tsunami warning system?

It appears that the "primitive" tribes of India, on the islands of Andaman and Car Nicobar moved to higher ground days before the tusnami hit, completely devastating their coastal villages.  Similar activity has been reported about the animals in this area. This India Daily article describes how the tribes who have become more modern, leaving behind their traditions, suffered far more losses as they didn't foresee the coming disaster, than the tribes who have held on to their native practices.

Indian Military personnel is finally reaching the remote islands of Andaman and Car Nicobar. There is massive devastation especially in Nicobar Islands. The inhabitants in these islands consists of tribal and non-tribal mainstream population. Thousands of people are dead and the coastal areas just evaporated.

  The total population before Tsunami of these tribes was approximately 28,000, which accounts for about 9% of the total population of these Islands. The other 91% population consists of mainstream settlers and the military personnel.

The rescue teams are observing some strange things as they are reaching these remote tribal areas for rescue and relief. While there is massive unbelievable devastation, the primitive tribes are relatively unaffected though most of them lived close by the ocean.

According to sources, these tribes moved to higher grounds. So did most animals during Tsunami in South and South-east Asia. The rescue teams are also finding interesting information from these untouched tribal people – they could view and hear the Tsunami coming and they moved to higher grounds way before the Tsunami came and earthquake shattered the islands.

Indian Military with all high tech equipments and especially the Air Force lost a full base with hundreds of personnel in this catastrophe.

As a matter of fact another correlation is also interesting – the more primitive tribes moved out to the higher grounds days before the catastrophe. Nicobarese who are settled in the Car Nicobar Island, Nancowry group of islands and in Harminder Bay of Little Andaman constitutes more than 98% of the tribal population. The population of other tribes is very small and is declining over the past several decades. Andaman and Nicobar Administration under the Government of India have rehabilitated Great Andamanese in Strait Island and Onges in Dugong Creek and South Bay of Little Andaman Island. Shompens having a population of 157 live deep in the jungles of Great Nicobar Island. Jarawas, who live in the jungles of South and Middle Andaman were hostile till recently. In last couple of years, they have shown a willingness to come out of their isolated world and mingle with the mainstream population. The Sentinelese live in the North Sentinel Island and are still unapproachable. All the tribes are in a state of transition from their primitive life-styles to a more modern way of life. The Nicobarese were the first to adjust to this. They have almost lost their tribal nature and are as modern as any of the settler community.

The Onges and Andamanese are changing slowly. They keep many aspects of their tribal culture, at the same time have adopted many things from the mainstream population. The Jarawas have just coming out of their seclusion. The Sentinelese has not yet shown any willingness to shed their hostile attitude towards outsiders.

Stating that the devastation in Car Nicobar islands was total, General Officer-in-Command Southern Command Lt Gen B S Takhar on Saturday said, it would take at least take six months for things to become normal in the island. Though the tribals of Andaman islands were not much affected, there has been total devastation in car Nicobar islands mostly inhabited by the modern Nicobarese, Takhar, who undertook an aerial and ground survey of tsunami affected areas along the eastern coast, told the reporters.

Based on the reports we are receiving, Nicobarese who are most modern have lost the most in Car Nicobar and Nancowry group of islands. Very few of them sensed the incoming Tsunami. But the Shompens and Sentinelese who took some direct hit, lost little because of their remote viewing capabilities. They moved to higher grounds before. According to some of the tribal leaders, earth communicates to them. And this time they could see it coming in their remote viewing periscopes.

Interestingly, in South and South east Asia which includes Andaman and Nicobar islands, it is now confirmed that animal bodies are not found because most of them moved to higher grounds days before the Tsunami came.

It seems if this correlation is anything close to correct, we may be gaining in so called “modern technologies” but we are losing in higher grounds of technical expertise, which may encompass spiritual science and paranormal technologies.

While I received this article in an email, it has been posted on "Free Republic", a site known for it's conservative readership. I found it interesting that in the first 50 comments, the only ones I read, there were a number of people who completely discounted this possibility, that somehow, the native tribes were able to foresee the coming tsunami. I will admit the phrase, "remote viewing periscope" sounds a bit out there, but who knows how this process was articulated in their native language, and then translated into English in a way that would make some sense to us. This phrasing could be just an unfortunate translation. There were some comments who suggested the people watched the animals moving to higher ground, and followed them, which is entirely possible. And there were some who suggested that these people live closer to the land and could very well have foreseen this tragic event.

I don't know how these tribes were able to view and hear the tsunami coming days before the earthquake. And I don't need to. I accept there are things that happen, which we can not understand. I wonder if the people who discounted this article would have been as skeptical if a group of people had said God had told them to move to higher ground days before the tsunami, resulting in their lives being spared. While, as I said in an earlier post, I don't believe in a God that would protect some people and let others die, by doing something like holding back the waves for one group of people while allowing it to wash others away, I do believe there are ways of knowing what to do, or knowing what is to come, that can't be explained with our current science. For some this may be understood as the voice of God, for others, it may be understood to be paranormal activities - such as telepathy, or having premonitions, or hearing warnings from the spirit world. I think it is all the same thing, and maybe one day, it will be understood with scientific knowledge. As one person in the comments said, "Years (40+) we were required to do a Science Fair project....Since Duke University was studying the primitive society and their abilities to communicate without words, one of my classmates decided to make it his project.......There are/have been many documented situations that seem impossible but are rather common in these remote societies......"It" is there, but what scientist can't determine is what it is and how to control it.....Read a fantastic study on the Aborigine tribes of Australia....wish I still had the book."

Maybe we need to learn from these native tribes more about how they were able to see the tsunami days before. A warning system based on scientific technology would not have saved their lives, the warning would not have come in time. But days before, some people knew.

Such a wealth of information

Very rarely do the google searches that bring people to my blog seem to have brought them to the right place. For some searches, I doubt there is a right place, and in some unfortunate cases, I'm sure there is a site to give these people positive feedback, support, or answers, which is rather disturbing, but it's not here. So here we go again with a run through my current google searcher's needs, and my advice or replies.

• Slave+husband: Let me know when you find one.

• Why+flags+flying+half-mast+today: Have you been under a rock this past week?

• Can't+stop+thinking+about+you+poem: Just don't become a stalker.

• "What+to+say"+resignation: How about, "I quit."

• Define+Chris: Can Chris define himself?

• Mom+made+into+son's+friend's+sex+slave: Hey Mom, just say no! He's your son's friend for fuck's sake.

• fucking+hole: I think it is called the vagina. I think other holes, of the non-human variety, should be avoided.

• Mother+fucks+son's+friend: Why am I getting these hits? I've never done this. Have not written about it. Do not advocate it. Think it will cause therapy moments for all involved. BAD IDEA!

• Winds+of+change+tattoos: Yes, I have one. No, I will not show it to you because then I would have to show my ass.

• fucking+all+holes: See above.

• Change+is+a+good+thing: If you're changing your underwear, yes. Otherwise, it's iffy...

• Lily's+on+the+loose+poem: I haven't written a poem about Lily, but I'll ask her if she's on the loose.

• having+nipple+orgasm: They are quite nice, if I say so myself. And I do.

• fucking+women: Is that a bitter statement or are you hoping to do so?

• women+should+give+head: And so should men.

And all the variations of, "I+want+to+adopt+tsunami+orphans": Not advised. Instead, give money to help keep these children cared for in their homelands. I'm sure you don''t appreciate my take on this matter, but these children do not need to be adopted, they need their lives stabilized.

Dr.

What does it mean to have no blood pressure?
Am I dead?

She Waits

She waits.
Another cigarette turns to ash in the tray.
Another day, another dollar,
Or at least a dime.
Seconds click off the clock,
Hours turn to days to weeks,
A year becomes another.
Headlights paint a line across the picture
That never changes.
Caller ID makes answering the phone unnecessary
With nothing new to say
To the bill collectors on the other end.
Sunsets have become commonplace
Where the horizon can't be seen.
Does she want enough, or too much?

She waits.
Another drink is brought to her table
Before the first is finished.
She's going through the motions
Of what she used to be
When she wasn't so empty.
It doesn't seem to matter anymore
What the dreams had been,
As the days blur into nights and back again.
But the carpets are clean, dishes are washed,
Garbage put in the can.
What does it all mean?
Have Brownie points been awarded,
Is God keeping score
On the newly shined floor?
Make sure your underwear is clean
In case there is a wreck.

She waits.
Cell phone open on the table,
Another reason to breathe,
If only it would ring.
Someone across the bar smiles
Trying to catch her eye,
But she looks the other way,
No longer pretending to not be rude.
It's cold inside and something's not right.
It's been a slow freeze.
Something tells her this isn't how
It was supposed to be.
There's been some cosmic crash,
Planets crossed, a wrong turn taken
At the intersection of fates and fables,
Asleep at the wheel when the map was burned.

She waits.
She waits for the words to come.
She waits for her life to begin.
Waits for happiness to wake,
Her hands to stop shaking,
The door to open,
The glass to empty,
The tears to drop,
The smile to be real,
The fire to burn,
The end to come,
The song to sing.

She waits
And looks the other way.

Rambling thoughts...

January 3rd is creeping over the sky and I still find it hard to believe we are in 2005. This past year has flown by. The past 5 months have been even more of a flash. I have been lazy for two days, doing much of nothing and I feel more rested than I have in weeks. Certainly not ready for the return to day to day life, meetings, feeding, phone calls, emails...  My dog, M, has been hiding in the closet for three days now. She hates the bangs and pops of firecrackers - and the neighborhood has sounded like a war zone since before the weekend. It was after midnight tonight when I heard the last round of explosions. No wonder my dog has looked at me like I'm crazy when I say, "It's safe, you can come out now!" And then I walk her into the backyard, as she is shaking and looking around, and just as she squats to pee, BOOOOM, and she jumps up and runs back into the closet. I just might go hide in the closet with her.

Today, I heard from all the people I called New Year's eve. It was good to hear from them. B and I talked the longest. He's doing well, sounds like he's finally getting his life together. But, I've thought that before only to realize he may never be able to actually live a responsible life.

Total aside: I just thought of the phrase, "The guy has more issues than National Geographic" which I thought was pretty funny! But it doesn't really apply to B. He does have issues, but don't we all?

Anyway, it was good to catch up. We have a connection that will always be there, but I walked away from a relationship with him years ago, and it needs to stay that way.

Other things going on right now - For the first time ever, I'm having health problems and am faced with trying to figure out what to do. I have no insurance, and have planned to get some in the beginning of 2005. No need to get it in the end of 2004. I've dealt with starting a new insurance plan in the end of a calendar year before, when you have the whole deductible to pay, and then it starts all over in January. I don't want anything diagnosed until I have insurance. And can't really afford anything more than an office visit anyway. But I'm a bit worried and not sure what is wrong and don't think I should let it go too long. Phone consultations have led to nurses telling me I need to be seen by a doctor. This is tops of my to-do list this month. Try to get insurance and have a check-up.

R comes home tomorrow (later today actually, it is Monday already) maybe. He flies out of L.A. and can't always get back the same day he arrives there. I wonder if he will call...

I've had a lot of thoughts concerning the tsunami. I've heard some talk about how people who believe in God try to make sense of this sort of thing, and at least one person interviewed, a Christian man from the States who has lived there for years running an orphanage, who claims God spared him and the children in his orphanage from the waves. He does have an amazing story of helping the children stay safe. But honestly, I don't believe in a God that saves some people and allows others to perish in disasters. And if there is a God that does that, I want no part of him or his religions. I don't know how you could worship such a God. There were thousands of good innocent people who died for no reason. They were victims of a force of nature. And if God could save some, why not all? I would rather believe there is no such God, than to think God has the power to save people, and didn't. I don't accept the argument that these things are all a part of God's plan for humanity and we just don't understand, but one day, it will all be revealed. There was a movie that came out in the early 90's, "The Rapture". It is an excellent movie about a woman who has a religious experience and becomes born again, and is told to prepare for the Rapture. In the end, the rapture does occur, but in the process, she has to sacrifice her daughter to follow God's demands, and she decides that a God who would make such demands is not a God she can accept, rather than like Abraham who was going to kill his son to prove his devotion. What if the angel had not told Abraham not to do it? (Ashkenazic women believe it was the Angel of Mothers that intervened.)  How would Abraham have been able to still love God? I feel that way.  If this God of Abraham is the God that rules heaven and earth, saves and damns, protects and kills, then I want nothing to do with him.

Something else has bothered me about all the talk of how much should "we" the U.S. government be sending to assist the people and nations who have been totally devastated. I know Bush has assured people we will give what is needed and lead the effort to rebuild, but it has sounded like more hollow rhetoric to me. Considering he's spending $40 million on his coronation, promising the same amount (yes, I know he says it is only the beginning...) just puts things in perspective. (Read this post by Juan Cole to better understand just how generous our offer is.)  And only now has he asked for flags to be flown at half-mast. Many nations canceled New Year's Eve celebrations - but not here. And I don't really know what the right thing is. I've been watching CNN-International, and while it isn't a whole lot different, there is an effort to show a more global perspective on things. And it's not just our President, the people in the U.S. just seem to be so self-centered. Nothing gets in the way of our lives. The parties, the shopping. Thousands killed in a single catastrophe, and we just go on as if nothing has impacted us, and I guess it hasn't. Should it? Should there have been some change in what we were doing this past week?  If our terrorist attack had occurred the day after Christmas, and other nations had not canceled their New Year's Eve celebrations, had partied and cheered, and sang and danced, we would have thought them all to be so horrible, so insensitive. Cause WE were suffering, we were in mourning. And what happened in Thailand and the other lands, is so much worse than what happened on 9/11. So much worse. And our President didn't respond publicly for days. I've been so disgusted. And on CNN-Intl., there has been talk about how we will be responding, because it is in our best interest to do so. These countries have large Muslim populations, and if they suffer too long, have no food and jobs, homes and normalcy, they will be more susceptible to terrorist recruitment.  I wanted to scream when I heard this as the rationale for why we will help. We will help because it is in our best interest. Because of possible future terrorists. It's NOT always about US. We should be helping because it is the right thing to do. Even if there was no possible connection to terrorism - which I'm not convinced is a risk to begin with. We should be helping because there are thousands, millions, of people who have no homes and food and medical care, and we have more than we need. We have more resources, if properly distributed, to take care of all these people, besides doing a better job of taking care of the people in our own country who are going without basic needs.  We have the resources to ease the suffering of so many people, and we should do it because it is the right thing. And that is all that is needed. We're spending BILLIONS to kill people. Why is it so hard to imagine spending the same amount to improve the lives of people?

The other thing that makes me shake my head is the talk now about developing a warning system for future tsunamis. It's not that there shouldn't be a warning system, but it's not like this is going to happen again. There have been tsunamis before. But there hasn't been an earthquake of this magnitude in decades, and chances are, there won't be another to produce a tsunami like this again. I guess what I'm getting at is there is no way to prepare and prevent every possible disaster. This is a natural response to a disaster. It is called trying to regain mastery and control - things humans have to feel they have some of to maintain psychological balance. And the thing is, we don't. We don't have control and never will have control over nature. We need to accept that. Doesn't mean don't take normal precautions, but trying to prepare for something that will probably never occur again, is a waste of resources.

So I should be asleep now. I will need to get back in the swing of things and get back to work. Here's to the new year beginning...