Winds of Change

Happy New Year

It is still hours away before the New Year arrives here. I've been trying to decide if I want to go out and celebrate the incoming 2005. They say, what ever you are doing at midnight is what you will do all year. I'm not sure sitting home alone is what I want to do.

I went out earlier to get a nail repaired I had broken in yesterday's cleaning fest. And then had supper at a nice restaurant. I thought getting to the restaurant before 6 p.m. would mean a smaller crowd, but no. The wait would have been 45 minutes had I opted for a table. Instead I sat at the bar, drinking and eating alone. Kinda pathetic I guess. But it has never bothered me to eat out alone. I bring a trashy novel and read, and enjoy the food.

I decided to call all my distant friends and sometimes lovers, to wish them a Happy New Year. D answered his phone, and we laughed and talked a bit. He felt bad that I was out alone in a restaurant. He's resigned himself to the annoyances of his current love interest. I'm not sure which is worse. He asked if anything new was going on in my life, and I evaded the question. I didn't want to say, "I had sex last night," as if that was the reason I called, although I knew that's what he was really asking, if I had begun dating someone else.

I called MELB, and got his voice mail. We've been calling each other the last few days, trying to get together and catch up, but the timing has always been wrong.

I called MMH and got his voice mail, too. I was supposed to go see him perform with his band a few weeks ago, and had too much going on. I am ready to let this go, but wanted to wish him well.

I called my girl friends, M and A, got voice mail again.

Called an even older friend, B, who I met on New Year's Eve, as 1999 became 2000. A man I had a tortured relationship with for over 2 years. But the night we met makes for a wild story. B was there with a large group of people. I was out by myself, having just moved to town recently, but determined to not sit at home alone on this Y2K moment. If it had been the disaster predicted, I'd rather have been having fun as the world descended into chaos. B was a bit drunk and the bartender and he had a history. B's coat ended up missing, which the bartender had agreed to hold behind the bar. B got pissed and hit the wall with his open hand, and his hand went right through the facade of a wall. Before this had happened, B had bought me a drink as I stood at the bar. Later, someone said, "Oh, you're the person B has been hitting on!" And I realized there was a mutual attraction. When midnight rolled around, B was not to be seen, but showed up soon after to give me a kiss.  When B hit the wall with his hand, we had been talking about going somewhere else to welcome in the New Year together. Now suddenly there was a "scene". Security guards showed up and I decided it was time to get the hell out of there. I pulled B aside and suggested we leave. He looked at me, and pulled me into a uni-sex bathroom and locked the door behind us. He asked me, "Who are you? Are you an undercover cop?" I assured him I was not, but he insisted on frisking me to make sure. The frisking got ... ummm... a bit friendly, and we were kissing as his hand slid up the back of my legs, raising my dress in the process. At about this moment, there was banging on the door, and security used a key to open the door, showing my bare ass to all who stood on the other side. (I usually go commando.)  I grabbed B's hand and pulled him out the door, and we left.  But I remember seeing the face of a woman in the crowd, who looked so crushed by what she had seen. I later learned this was the person B had been out with that night.  I fell in love with B, and he fell in love with me, but it was never meant to be.

I called R, too. And got voice mail. I told him I had enjoyed our time together, and hope to hear from him soon.

So now I am home, with dogs, M and P, who are freaking out because of all the firecrackers exploding in the neighborhood. I am trying to decide whether or not to go out in a bit, or stay home and avoid the drunken crowds of New Year's Eve.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, a year full of happiness and joy, and whatever is missing in your life - may it be yours in the year to come.

I am relieved.

As I've watched the continued coverage of the humanitarian catastrophe in India, Indonesia, and Thailand, as a result of the tsunami, I had heard a few times something mentioned that greatly disturbed me. The mention of hundreds of phone calls from people in the U.S. inquiring about the possibility of adopting the children who may now be orphaned. I am not opposed to adoption. I will admit I struggle a bit with international adoption, but if this allows children who would otherwise not be parented at all to have a family, then I hope it is truly in the child's best interest. I do think it is best for all children to be with loving parents rather than in an institutional setting. 

And maybe many of the calls were truly out of a great concern for these children who survived the tsunami without family. But it just seemed too early to be jumping to the conclusion that what is in these children's best interests is to place them in families outside their own community. They have lost so much already. I felt it would be another loss and trauma for these children to be removed from their homelands in the coming months, even as devastated as their homelands are. While I know it is not realistic, I kept thinking, if people truly want to help these children, then go to them. Go help rebuild their villages and provide care for them in the places of their birth.  I did a bit of googling to see what adoption agencies were suggesting. And I am relieved to see that what I was thinking is being echoed, at least by some. I did not find any agencies encouraging adoption of these children, but I stopped looking after I found this.

The Joint Council on International Children's Services has posted this statement:

JCICS joins the millions of people around the world expressing our condolences and well wishes towards the thousands who have experienced devastation from the recent natural disaster in several Southeast Asian and Eastern African countries. Many people hear of natural disasters in various parts of the world, and want to open their homes and hearts, via adoption, to children who have lived through them. While these well intentions are commendable, it is rarely possible or advisable, at least in the short term. The reasons are simple:

1. In the immediate aftermath of a disaster, it is often difficult to ascertain that a child is truly an orphan. Parents may have become separated from their children in the confusion and may be in another refugee camp or just over the border. It is not ethical to place a child for adoption unless it is clear that no parent able to care for that child will be found. The U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services will not grant an orphan visa to a child unless he/she clearly meets the definition of an eligible orphan; eligible orphan status cannot be considered if there is a possibility that a parent could provide care at the country's normal standard of acceptability and did not purposely abandon or relinquish the child.
2. Even if it is clear that a child has no parent able to care for him/her, good adoption practice requires that attempts be made to place the child with extended family, members of the community, or others in his/her birth country. Intercountry adoption is appropriate only if a child is unlikely to find a permanent, loving family in his/her birth country. A search for a domestic family may take many months in the aftermath of a disaster. In addition, children may need to be treated for post-traumatic stress disorder and international adoption may not be in their best interest at this time.
3. Ethical adoption practice requires that a child be considered legally relinquished or abandoned, and then legally adopted according to the laws of his/her country of citizenship. In the immediate aftermath of a disaster, a country's government may be in disarray and what resources are available may be deployed on projects such as providing safe water and food, caring for the injured, burying the dead, maintaining order, etc. Thus, the courts and other entities that could handle relinquishments and adoptions may not be functioning at all, or may be giving first priority to projects in other areas. Adoption cannot proceed in such an environment.
4. In the immediate aftermath of natural or man-made disasters, an area may not be safe for travel. Occasionally, U.S. government officials who review the legitimacy of adoptions and process exit visas are unable to work safely in a country. Moreover, even if staff and families might be willing to travel, civilian air and ground transport to and within an area might be unavailable.
5. Even if a country manages to get its legal system functioning and to identify parentless children, it may not permit adoption, by law or custom. This is particularly true in countries that live by Shaaria, Islamic law, which does not recognize adoption.

If you want to provide assistance for the children in these devastated areas, please consider giving money to agencies that are able to provide the care these children need, medical care and the stabilization of their societies. Here are a few I would recommend:

Save the Children - 90% of all money they receive is spent on direct services.

Oxfam America  - 78% of all funds are spent on direct services.

CARE  - 90% of their resources are spent on direct services.

HOPE  - 93% of their resources were spent on direct services in 2003.

UNICEF - 93% of their resources were spent on direct services.

The UNICEF site has many resources and a short video that addresses the issue of adoption, reiterating the same assurance that these children need to be kept in their homelands, and most will be cared for by extended family, if not their own parents.

FYI

You know how they have bug spray for specific bugs - like bug spray for wasps and hornets, bug spray for roaches, bug spray for ants... Well, I've never seen a can of bug spray labeled for BFUFBWWALL. What kind of bug is that you ask? That's a Big Fucking Ugly Flying Bug With Wings and Lots of Legs.  Yes, I know it is a bit redundant to say it was flying and has wings, But. It WAS flying. In my kitchen. I've never seen anything like this BFUFBWWALL.  And I feel very similarly about these bugs as I do about snakes. And I hate snakes! It was flying around making so much noise, I thought there might be another person in my house. That's how big it was. Big enough to make the noise of a person. And even when it stopped flying, it's wings were visible. And I think it had 10 legs. Long skinny legs that clicked on the counter tops.

There was no way I could live in this house with that bug. The bug sprays for ants and roaches were under the kitchen sink. Which meant I would have to go in to the kitchen with that bug. And it could have started flying and attacked me. But, I had wasp and hornet spray outside on the patio. And, the can of wasp and hornet bug spray is designed so that you can spray bugs from a distance. I decided this was my best choice for a weapon. Not only could I get it without entering the kitchen, I could shoot the BFUFBWWALL from a safe distance. I had no idea if this bug spray would be effective against this specific bug, but I've always thought all these bug sprays are probably the same thing, they just label it differently to convince you to buy more cans. And then there is the design issue of how far away you need to be from certain bugs before you piss them off with poison.

I crouched down and snuck into the kitchen. The BFUFBWWALL had landed in the kitchen sink and I could hear it walking around. So I kept my head down and sprayed all in the sink. I could hear much thrashing about as well as insecty screams. And then all was quiet. I slowly stood up and peaked into the sink, and the BFUFBWWALL was lying on its back, with its 10 legs flailing in the air.  I crouched back down and got out of the kitchen, before the bug had the chance to make one last gasp effort at flying and getting in my hair, which I am sure these bugs would try to do.  It had better be dead when I go back.  Or I will have to pack up and leave.

So if you ever see a BFUFBWWALL, I think wasp and hornet bug spray will be your best defense.

Hopeful, Content, Holding Back

R left almost 2 hours ago, and I just got back from eating sushi. I was starving. Good sex always makes me hungry. Plus, I hadn't eaten all day! I had spent the day cleaning my house, getting things back in order after the Christmas gift unwrapping and having the kids here without school for over a week, as well as their friends.  I had just sat down to check email when my cell phone rang, R was out running errands and asked if he could come by before going home. I asked for 30 minutes, I needed a shower after scrubbing floors and raking leaves, and nailing pieces of wood on my backyard fence in another attempt to keep my dog from escaping.

When R arrived, it was one of those awkward moments of going to hug hello at different times, him bending down his head to give me a kiss just as I turned away and then I turned back to kiss him just as he moved away. He came in and I offered him a beer and we sat on the couch and talked for a couple of hours. My dog, M, was having a fit, wanting to come in and see who our visitor was, and the neighbor dog, P, was running around barking at the squirrels. I asked R if he was ok with dogs, that M would calm down if I let her in. R likes dogs so in they came, much jumping and running around occurred before they finally laid down to sleep on the floor by our feet. R and I talked about our kids and the things we've caught them doing that they shouldn't have been doing. Luckily, we both have been fairly lucky and nothing too horrible has happened to either of our kids. I caught my son looking at porn on the computer the other day, R's son was caught at school with a picture of a naked woman that had been passed around among his friends. Other small events had taken place, but nothing that had been put on permanent records. We moved closer on the couch as we talked, hands on legs, lightly touching each other as we moved even closer. I knew R had to go home at some point early in the evening to see his sons. I asked him when he had to leave and he said he could stay another hour or so.  I suggested we move to the bedroom and he quickly agreed.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, R standing in front of me, I slowly unbuttoned his shirt and carressed his chest. R has a beautiful body, hard cut muscles but not too bulky, dark curly hair lightly covers his chest with a small line trailing down the middle of his flat stomach.  R knelt down in front of me, lifting the hem of my dress up to my stomach with his teeth as he laid me back on the bed, pulling my hips toward him, kissing the insides of my legs. I closed my eyes, losing myself in the pleasure R gave with his mouth.

And then there was a noise. At my bedroom window. I had opened the window earlier in the day and forgot to close it. My dog could hear us and wanted in. She was scratching at the window. I tried to ignore it, hoping she would just go away, but no. She scratched. And cried. R stood up and started laughing. "I think your dog is wanting your attention."  "Just close the window! Maybe that will make her stop!"   R went to close the window and lower the blinds as we both laughed.  As R came back to my bed, he stepped out of his jeans. And oh my, what a nice body he has, all of it, nice.

R picked up where he had left off, and I enjoyed every moment. My body is sore in all the right places, and in a good way. A nice reminder of the evening with R. He didn't want to leave and said he wished he wasn't flying out tomorrow. We lay comfortably together for awhile and talked, smiling at each other, a little shy in the newness of being together.

I walked R out to his car and he kissed me good-bye, wishing me a Happy New Year. Neither of us asked when we would see each other again. There were no promises of calls. And I'm ok with that. I think he will call when he gets back in town after the weekend. R flies on an international line so will be gone for four days.  After this weekend, his flight plan will include a 6 day trip. I have no idea how much time between flights he will have to be in town. So while I'm hopeful that R and I will keep seeing each other, I'm not sure how that will develop.  I don't want to assume too much and I'm very aware of his time constraints.   Will seeing R a couple of times every couple of weeks be what I want? I had hoped I would have a relationship that was more a part of my life this time around, and even if everything goes great with R, it will be a very time-limited involvement. I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I've learned to not expect too much too soon. Just enjoy the moment for what it is, not what it will become. No one knows what the future will hold.  But, I like R. And I hope he calls again, as soon as he can.

Still Here

I've been recuperating from the holidays and enjoying some time off. My kids have gone to their dad's house for the next few days and it is nice to have some down time. I've been watching the news on the horrific tsunami and the devastating stories of loss. I just can't imagine how awful it must have been for so many, especially the children. In the future, when my kids have left home and I am able to do something different with my life, I hope to work for a disaster relief agency and be able to go to areas hit by disasters and provide crisis counseling while doing relief work. 

Last night, I went out and had an interesting time. The man, R, that I had this embarrassing event with, was out. I ended up going home with him, and thankfully, this time I didn't do anything humiliating! I had gone to his home one other time since that horrible evening, and then I didn't hear from him again, and assumed he had no interest in pursuing a relationship - and who could blame him! But, he is a pilot, and flies out of L.A. This means he is gone a lot. R said he'd only been in town a total of 4 days since we last saw each other. He is a single father and doesn't have much free time. When he is home, he tries to spend as much time as possible with his sons. I really like R. We had a wonderful time together last night and he called a little while ago. He's sick with a stomach bug, so we couldn't see each other tonight. But, if he is better, we might go out tomorrow. He has his sons with him until he leaves again on Friday. I'm not sure if anything will come of this. And with his flight schedule, he won't be very available.  But he is a nice man, and has a great body!  I do hope we keep seeing each other.

Remember that last post I wrote

About Christmas coming and how pleasant it was... And remember the post before that? About Hell Texas freezing over... Well, the post about the weather came true, and the post about things being pleasant - ixnay the easantplay. Yes, it's been freezing here and we even had a little snow tonight. But, have you ever wondered what the snakes do in areas where it isn't supposed to freeze all that much when it freezes? Evidently, they try to find warmer places to hide and hibernate. Like backyards.

So, we were having a pleasant afternoon, getting things done and planning to go to a Christmas Eve service. There is something about singing "Silent Night" and lighting candles that I truly enjoy on a night like tonight. Then, my daughter ran into my room and said something was wrong with our dog, M's, face. It had little lumps on it that were getting bigger by the minute. She didn't seem to be in distress, but was running around shaking her head and rubbing her face on the carpet and pawing at her nose. As I watched, her eyes began swelling shut. I was tempted to give her medication we got when she had done something to her paw and made it swell up. But I was worried that I didn't really know what was wrong, and whatever I gave her might mask symptoms that needed to be treated. So after numerous phone calls, I found a pet hospital that was open at 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve. They encouraged me to bring M right in. Pet Emergency Rooms are not the most fun place to spend a few hours on Christmas Eve. The vet says it was a snake bite that caused all the swelling. M was there for 6 hours, received several shots. And still has these fat cheeks that hang below her lower jaw. They say she will be fine and it was probably not a full bite - snakes don't move very fast when it is freezing cold out.

After a couple of hours at the Pet E.R., we left and went to the Christmas Eve service, and it was very sweet with lots of excited children and beautiful music.  Then we went to eat at the only place open, a greasy grill diner that makes good hamburgers and french fries. Then M was ready to come home so we went and got her, and now I'm worn out. And not a single gift has been wrapped to put under our funky Christmas tree. And - I am wondering if that snake is still in my backyard. I am terrified of snakes. TERRIFIED. And for Christmas Day, I get to go out in my backyard and search for snakes. Yes, I do live in hell.

There was one funny thing that happened at the Pet E.R. A couple brought in a dog with quite a bulging mid-section. It looked like a basketball on legs. We heard the nurse say to the couple after the dog had been seen by the doctor, "Yes, it appears your dog has eaten quite a large amount of ham..." The woman told us that the whole Christmas ham, over 10 pounds, had been consumed, in a very short time, by their dog. My kids and I have laughed about this all evening. 

Christmas has come...

As it always does, even when it seems only a far off myth, for another people in another time. Even when the worries of daily life have made it hard to be merry.

For the last few years, I save my Christmas shopping for one day, very close to Christmas. This lets me enjoy it more. I am patient with the crowds and traffic. I figure if I can't do it in one day, we don't really need it, whatever it is that has not been found. Yesterday was my day.  I put on my mixed cd of Christmas music, and sang while waiting at traffic lights. I said Merry Christmas to every person I could. And truly wished it for them. 

My kids got out the decorations - our fiber optic Christmas tree that turns with brilliant color - we call it our funky Christmas tree. They also set up our outdoor tree - white lights on a wire frame, inside our living room. It is lovely, even if a little crooked and a few lights are out. We pulled out the stockings, which will be filled with little delights. I came across the old Christmas story books I used to read to my kids when they were little. And the wooden nativity pieces we bought in Italy. This too will be assembled and set out, for the reminder that hope is born with each child, even in the most unlikely of circumstances.

And today, I went and bought all the fixings for a Christmas feast, including a few new pots to cook in. The kids are thrilled and willing to help. They've gone to the store to buy wrapping paper and tape, the one thing I had forgot. Christmas will be what it should be, a time to enjoy my kids and create memories to hold us all over until this time comes again, whether it be in December or another day.

Even when I don't feel like doing all the Christmas things, going through the motions makes it happen. What at first seems like it will be more work than joy, turns into joy. And maybe this is reason enough to do it each year. To be reminded of the joy in simple things like cooking and reading the old stories, wrapping a few presents and placing them under our funky Christmas tree. And remembering the things we truly need can never be wrapped in a box.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Hell has frozen over!

Yes, here in the deep south of Texas, it is freezing. Lows for the next few days are in the 20's and snow is predicted for Friday night. We may have a white Christmas.

This opens the possibility for all manner of things to now occur - all those things you said you would never do, with the caveat, "Yeah right... when Hell FREEZES over..." You are now obliged to do them. And all those things you wished for and thought the likelihood of them happening were as likely as Hell freezing over... there is hope. We may yet see an overthrow of the Bush regime and peace on earth.

And since absolutely no one everyone has been begging for more Holiday music, and Hell has frozen over -  putting me in the Christmas spirit, here are more tunes:

Surprise Song 9

Surprise Song 10

Surprise Song 11

I have a question for you.

If a dog chews through the electric cord on a vacuum cleaner, after your son has not put the vacuum cleaner away, after being told repeatedly to put it away. Do you a) get rid of the dog. b) get rid of the son. c) get rid of the vacuum cleaner.

Is there anyway to re-attach the electric cord??

And this might help you decide: I had to run down the street this morning, barefoot, pushing the garbage can, to catch the garbage collectors, in the cold rain, because my son forgot to put the garbage can out by the side of the road - even though I TOLD him to do it, and TOLD him, and he said he didn't understand why I kept reminding him, because he would do it. And he took a bag of garbage out to the can, but left the can in the garage.  And he didn't understand why I was pissed off this morning. He has now lost all computer privileges. And I might stop feeding him.

You knew what you were getting

This just pisses me off even more about last month's Presidential elections. Bush's approval rating has already dropped below 50%. The first incumbent ever to have a less than 50%  approval rating one month after winning a re-election.

Every single one of you asshats who voted for Bush in November, you are getting everything you asked for. Everything Bush has done since re-election has been par for the course. His performance is abysmal, as usual.  I can't for the life of me figure out what made anyone expect anything more out of this bumbling fool than what they'd seen before, a faux-president who can't string together a grammatically correct sentence to save his ass. So what's changed between Nov. 2 and now? Not a damn thing. So if the elections represented the will of 52% of the population, which is highly unlikely if you ask me to begin with, at least 3% of the people are realizing they were idiots. When will the rest wake up?  But, there is a good possibility that Bush didn't actually get 52% of the vote and this poll reflects Bush's mandate. A mandate to get out of the White House.