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December 02, 2005

Is there anybody out there?

I know.
It's been awhile.

I even thought about deleting this blog. I've been in a funk - and still semi-funky. My mom asked me how I'd been these last couple of months and I said, "It's been hell."

Life has been shifting, changing - hard to get a hold on anything. I nearly quit my job. Caused a revolution instead, and others left with more leaving still to go. I think I nearly had a nervous breakdown in the midst of the work upheaval, which occurred in between the hurricanes. It seemed as though everything was getting blown away, washed away - nothing to hold on to. I wanted more than ever to just disappear somewhere, not be me, not have this life. Start over with a new name - the opposite of walking into the Cheers Bar.

I want to start writing again. I've written two new poems.

I'll post one now.

War Time

Do you have skin in the game?
Are you down with the cause?
Is your mission accomplished?
Did you sleep in the ditch?

If you're still on the fence
It's time to get off.
This is war.

It's war in Iraq.
It's war on TV.
A war for our hearts
War for our minds
A war to end wars
And a war to be free.

The war, it's happening
Right here in our streets.

The war in Viet Nam,
It's still being fought by the medic vet
With brains in his lap and blood on his hands
Each time he closes his eyes
The helicopter flies
In anguish he cries
You dont know what I've seen.
You dont know what it's like.
In the fields of destruction
It's hell and it's slaughter.

Old wars continue
DU lives forever.
Afghanistan is hot
Bosnia's still cooking
The Middle East babies have cancer in their bones.
Desert Storm soldiers now have a syndrome.
Operation Enduring Freedom forgot to deliver
Freedom
Before moving on to Iraq.
But there remains
A radioactive trail that keeps killing.
 
Do you have skin in the game?
Are you down with the cause?
Is your mission accomplished?
Did you sleep in the ditch?

If you're still on the fence
It's time to get off.
This is war.

Take up the pen or grab a gun
Choose your poison
Its time to run
For the nearest battlefield.
We're done with please and good manners
In this war for our hearts
And our minds and our freedom.
As the President lies to the American people,
Cackling at our complacent stupidity.
Flag-draped coffins come home undercover.
Funerals aren't attended.
The dead go uncounted.
The wounded have been hidden.
For a dumbed-down nation
By a President on vacation.

No props given to the mainstream media
For their gleeful participation
In this inhumane war machine.

It's time to take to the streets
Invade the White House
Storm the Halls of Congress
Take no hostages
Make your demands.
Fuck the left and the right
The Red and the Blue
And everyone who sold out
For imperialistic dreams
Filled with greed and power.
It's time to remove them from their ivory tower.

It's time to bring an end
To the lies and the schemes
The profits and the plans
The patriotic screams
For more wars that will be fought
By our sons and our daughters.
The option will be nuclear
Our lives, just cannon fodder.

If you're still on the fence
If you're not outraged
You aren't paying attention.
You've got skin in this game.
This war is your war
Whether you want it or not.
It's a fight for our lives
And our minds and the truth.
We've already been drafted
No chance of withdraws
It's time that you choose
Your mission and cause.

Who's the Ghoul?

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October 03, 2005

How About some Music?

Download "Calling All Angels" by Eliza Gilkyson.

September 24, 2005

The Never Ending Weariness

We are safe. I feel shell-shocked from these last few weeks and then feel guilty for the state I am in, knowing I haven't experienced the worst of anything that has happened. I have been fighting off panic since Monday when I saw Rita entering the Gulf and every prediction had the Houston area in her direct path. I went into disaster response mode, preparing shelters, identifying people in my community with special needs and doing everything I could to make sure they were taken care of. Once again I am left with the realization that in a mass disaster, you better be prepared to take care of yourself. It was only Thursday evening and Friday that shelters here began to open. People with medical conditions could not find a shelter with an alternative energy supply - generators, and the hospitals were saying they couldn't take people who might need shelter, until after the electricity went out. When I informed one hospital that if the woman I was trying to place waited for the electricity to go out before seeking shelter there, she would die before she made it to the hospital, the man I was speaking to seemed to not have considered that reality. He then said to just have her show up and she would not be turned out into the storm.

As Rita reached Cat. 5 and was heading straight for Galveston, I made a very difficult decision to send my kids north to Dallas, and for me to stay behind. I needed to know they were safe, and I could not leave because of my work. My daughter wanted to go, my son did not. He didn't want to have to worry about whether I was alive or dead, he said. I made him go anyway.  It was so hard to load them up with family friends and say good-bye. Then I got a call 5 hours later. They had only made it 20 miles out of town - using back roads that we had hoped would be less filled than I-45 which was at a stand still. They were turning around and coming back. I hung up the phone and sat and cried.

I did what I could to get people taken care of. I was getting lots of phone calls from people who made it north to where I live, and had decided to find shelter as the storm neared and the roads remain blocked. I got people into homes and shelters and then had to decide what to do for my own family. By Friday morning, it appeared the storm was heading more east than predicted at first. We still decided to ride out the storm with friends a bit further north. We took back roads and had no problem getting to our friends' house. The storm passed early this morning with only a few trees down and electricity out in some areas - but nothing too devastating here.

I grew up in Lake Charles and have a sister who still lives there. She went to Baton Rouge to stay with our other sister, and they are both safe. But, my sister in L.C. has no idea if she has a home to return to. And I keep seeing the scenes from L.C. and can't believe how devastated it is.

Once again, there are so many people in need of help. And right now, I can't begin to think of how to pitch in and help. I am so tired. So exhausted. It has been three weeks of non-stop taking care of people. And I feel guilty for just wanting to stop. Just wanting to go away and forget about all the suffering, all the people who have lost everything. The people we helped in LaCombe were hit again - the tarps blew off the homes we had repaired. The last I heard from one man was that he was in a home in Mandeville and they had water coming in to the first floor - they were on the second floor and had no idea how to get out or where to go. I hope they are ok.

I keep having this urge to check the national hurricane center website to make sure there are no more forming, no more coming into the gulf. I don't know that we here in the south could handle more of this.

September 17, 2005

And then there was music

Day after day the reality of the loss and suffering has grown. I've been involved with efforts to feed the people displaced from New Orleans, help them get into housing and out of shelters, rebuild shattered lives, all the while doing my day-to-day work. Twelve hour days, plus, have been the norm and I have felt numb. Protection from the grief and pain. Today I met a family who had been at the Superdome, Astrodome, and now are dependent upon my organization's efforts to keep them going. They had waded through neck-high water with babies on their necks to find safety. Now they are here in my community with no resources. I signed affadavits of their identity so they can get mail and possibly work.

I went to a local shelter to help feed 150 people who still have no where to go. Their amazing spirit in the face of total loss brought the reality of what has happened to the forefront of my heart. I couldn't deny it any longer. To see these people who have nothing left of their former lives dancing and finding the spirit of life there in this shelter touched that part of me that I have kept at a distance and I couldn't deny it any longer.

I held a young child, he was maybe 2 years old. He was stiff at first but slowly I felt his body give way and he leaned into me, moving to the music being played. I help him and swayed, sending all the love I had into his tiny self. I could feel his sadness. I could feel his need to just be loved and feel safe in this world. It broke my heart. I fed him ice cream and think it might have been the first time he had ever had this experience. I saw his mother dancing all alone in the corner of the gymnasium and she had such a sad gracefulness about her - and it was beautiful.

There is both a brokeness and a beauty present in our world. And then there was music and the people danced.

And there was hope.

September 09, 2005

They finally get it right!

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September 07, 2005

I am at a loss

I keep myself busy - so busy I don't have to think about the disaster of our nation.

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I didn't go to the worst hit area. But I went to do what I could. I learned to use a chainsaw and now think it might be a future career possibility. At least with a chainsaw I can clear a path. There is so much lost. And for most people - there is no help on the way. All across the devastated area, people are trapped and stranded. They did what they thought was enough. They had water and food for three days. People gathered in the strongest home in the neighborhood. And now they are running out of everything. People are still trapped in home by fallen trees and power lines. If they are still alive, they won't be for long. There are so many small towns totally devastated and no help on the way. It is more than I can take in. I don't understand how this happened - and maybe I don't want to.

I am at a loss for words. I am at a loss for tears. If I let myself cry I may never stop. A city gone. Hundreds of thousands of people have lost everything. And it is so difficult to help them. I've been trying because it is the only thing to do to keep it all at bay. We have allowed our nation to tolerate poverty and ignore people who lived in conditions most of us can't imagine for decades. And now "those people" have suffered more indignities and horrific conditions as we watched on tv. Maybe we will say "never again" and really mean it this time.

August 24, 2005

The Ditch

There's something about the ditch in Crawford that I cannot explain. It is a place I need to be. It's about maintaining a vigil, a watch, over all the crosses on the side of the road in the hopes that there won't be another one added. But in the time that Bush has been on vacation, at least 82 soldiers have been killed. How many crosses will we have bearing the names of dead sons and daughters killed in Iraq before Americans demand an end to this war? 

I went back to Camp Casey last weekend and brought my own son with me. I wanted him to see for himself what people can do, if they put their minds to it. I wanted him to feel the power of people gathered for a common cause - a good cause. I wanted him to see the veterans of wars past who know what our soldiers face when they are sent to war, and from that place of strength are taking a stand on the side for truth and peace. It was a different experience than the first time I was there. I was glad that the organizers agreed to keep Camp Casey where it is - there in the ditch on the side of the road. This vigil isn't about comfort and entertainment. It's about doing the hard work of resistance to a government that refuses to listen to the people they have been elected to serve. It's about struggle. It's not even about protesting and chanting anti-war slogans to counter what the pro-war people throw out. It's kinda hard to respond to chants of "We don't care!" that are yelled as a parent who has lost a child in this war is speaking of their grief and pain. I think that probably sums up the attitude of the counter-demonstrators - they don't care. They don't care that our nation has been lied to. They don't care that thousands have died. They don't care that innocent people have been killed. They don't care that Iraq is in a mess, that the constitution is a return to fundamentalism, that because of our actions there, Iraq is now overrun by terrorists. They don't care. They made that point loud and clear in Crawford.

So many of the people I met and now call "friend" are returning for a third time. I can't do it this weekend, but I'm trying to figure out a way to get there for the last couple of days that Camp Casey will be maintaining its peaceful and solemn watch over the crosses on the side of the road. I want to go back and help take it all down, with care and respect for what was created.  I'm not sure if I will be able to, but I'm trying.

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August 15, 2005

Camp Casey

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I spent this past weekend at Camp Casey in Crawford Texas, and am still processing the experience. I jumped in my car Friday afternoon with a tent, a cooler, and a backpack of clothes and drove four hours, arriving in Crawford around 7:30 p.m. I stopped at the Peace House first and received a warm welcome and an invitation to join them for the weekend. I asked if it was possible to get to Camp Casey and stay there for the weekend. That's where I felt I needed to be. They gave me directions and someone needed a ride back out there. I was glad to have the company and the two of us took off, arriving at CC just before dark.

CC is located on the outskirts of Crawford, about 2 miles down Prairie Chapel Road, a winding road lined with large ranches leading to George Bush's ranch. CC is on two sides of a triangular patch of grass branching off to the south. The camp is restricted to the very narrow strip of land between the side of the road and the fences on the edge of private property. Luckily, there are trees along the roadside, provind much needed shade during the day. The strip of land is so narrow that I could not pitch the tent I had brought - only 2 person tents could be pitched. And the side of the road is a ditch, making it even more difficult to set up the camp.

The people staying at CC are among the nicest, generous people I've ever met. A total stranger offered to let me stay in her tent when it became apparent I could not set mine up. A real bond of camaraderie quickly developed as helped each other deal with the harsh conditions and worked together to keep the camp organized and aligned with the requirements of the law enforcement - roads must be kept clear to allow traffic to pass on the streets unencumbered, the large triangular grassy area cannot be even stepped on as it is private property, no public consumption of alcohol, etc. Everyone took turns with security and clean-up detail.

That first night, the Perseid Meteor Shower gave us a brilliant stellar show as we sat around talking well into the night, getting to know each other. I slept outside at night with a nice breeze keeping the heat down and the mosquitoes away. Security was a concern as we had heard gunshots from across the field and cars and trucks had frequently driven by at alarming speeds and very close to where tents were pitched. The sheriffs who patrolled the area seemed genuinely trying to help us and keep us safe. I am not a fan of law enforcement agencies but I have to say these deputies seemed committed to making the situation work. When there were problems, we were always given the opportunity to handle it ourselves. The property owners in the area frequently phoned in complaints like "a car has a tire on the road" or "someone has stepped on that patch of grass in the middle..." or "there is a wild party going on down there...". Many times the deputy apologized for having to follow-up on the call, and most of the times the calls were unfounded. But we were allowed to get the car moved, remind people to stay off the road and grassy area, without the deputies arresting anyone. I do realize that they will follow orders, and if the Bush people want the camp cleared, it will happen. The Secret Service was everywhere. They were understandably not friendly or helpful. A state police helicopter frequently circled the camp. While it was not extremely tense most of the time, there was a feeling of carefulness. We were all aware that at any time, day or night, something could happen and turn the place into a chaotic scene. Everyone made a huge effort to keep the camp calm and orderly. The gunshots we heard both nights were a reminder that we were not in friendly terroritory and many people do not want us there.

I was able to meet Cindy Friday night, at the Peace House in Crawford. I introduced myself to Cindy and said, "I have a son who just turned 15 this week. I don't...." and I couldn't finish the sentence because I was holding back my tears. So, Cindy finished it for me, "I don't want your son to have to die in a war either." I nodded and replied, "I'm so sorry this happened. I tried so hard before the war began, I did everything I could to protest, trying to prevent it." Cindy stood up off the couch where she was sitting and hugged me and said, "Thank you. Thank you for trying to save my son's life. And I will do everything I can to save your son's life. We have to stop this war." Cindy is an amazing woman. She has a presence that exudes calm, strength, and grace. She never turned anyone away who wanted to speak to her. She would greet me anytime we passed each other at CC. She came across as "one of us" - an ordinary person. I think this is why she is such an inspiration. And she talks a lot about how "we" have the power because we have the truth on our side, and it is high time that each of us reclaim our pwer and demand our govt. to represent the wishes of the people. And if they don't it is time to fire them all.
Cindy is doing something important. She is articulating a cohesive and coherent message. Every reason we were given to justify this war has been proven false. She names the three reasons (a small enough number to remember!) - a connection to 9/11 terrorists, WMD's, and the war was a last resort response to a threat to our safety.. She says this every chance she gets and it needs repeating. I believe her message is something the majority of the people can "hear" and get. Her current message does not turn off middle of the road Americans. It is simple, she states the sources that most Americans respect that have debunked the rationale we were given by our govt. and the president himself - the 9/11 Commission, the WMD inspectors, and the Downing Street Memo. I believe her short and precise message may have the power to catch the attention of people in this country who are looking for something to grab onto to explain their uneasiness with this war. It's like a light bulb is going for many people - she is doing what the Democratic Party could not do in 2004, she is providing an understandable articulation of why this war is so wrong.

The high point of the weekend was the moment that a caravan of cars began making their way along the winding road leading to Camp Casey after the Peace Rally on Saturday afternoon, held in Crawford. Even now, when I think about that moment of looking back up the road and seeing all those cars - I get overwhelmed with emotion. I was one of about 20-25 people who had stayed behind at the camp to keep it secure and organized as the rally goers joined us. There wasn't a dry eye at the camp as we realized what was happening. If you build it, they will come. It was such a great feeling to stand there, waving a peace flag and shouting "Welcome to Camp Casey! We are so glad you're here!" It got a little hectic towards the end of the procession. The deputies even gave up trying to direct traffic. They told us later they were impressed with how we conducted ourselves and handled every situation that developed over the afternoon. I would say over 500 cars made their way up that road to join us. Many turned back when the traffic had come to a near stand still.

There was a time for speakers at the camp, but I missed most of it because I was a "Peace Keeper", and people were streaming in all afternoon. I did run over to the stage area to hear Cindy's speech. It was moving and inspiring. And she speaks the truth.

After the speech, we had our only unpleasant development of the day. The counter-demonstrators had left for the most part before the crowd showed up after the rally. Only a handful had stayed and were across Prairie Chapel Road. They yelled insults and slogans all the time Cindy spoke, and during the moment of silence we had to remember all those who have died in this war. After the Cindy's speech, people began to leave, creating another logistical nightmare! And this is when we had a few people from CC line up facing the counter-demonstrators (CD's), and the back and forth yelling match began. The Peace Keepers were called in to defuse the situation. We asked the CC people to walk away, their actions were only feeding the CD's. The media loved the developing drama and immediately flocked to the area to catch it on film. We pointed this out to the CC people,and most of them realized this was not helping Cindy's efforts. A few men refused to walk away and the tension grew. The PK's positioned ourselves between the two sides, some of us held up our flags blocking the view of each side of the other. This was effective because it's no fun to yell at someone you cannot see! One man from CC, a Viet-Nam vet had an emotional melt down which nearly brought the whole situation to a tragic eruption. It was a sad moment for all of us. This man was trying to speak his truth about the atrocities of war he had witnessed as a helicopter medic - young men with limbs blown off and brains leaking out of their head. He kept yelling, "You don't know what it's like. You don't know. We have to stop this." The CD's taunted him, calling him a traitor. When this man stepped into the road towards the other side, the police told us to get him out of the area or they would. We had no choice but to forceably remove him. I am crying as I write this because this man's anguish was so real and none of us wanted to act against him. We had no choice. The helicopters which had circled all afternoon began closing in and getting lower. The man was in full meltdown. The media had surrounded us and we could not move him as people swarmed us to watch. Another vet, the man with a missing leg in my photos got to him and just hugged him tight. The man collapsed on the ground, sobbing harder than anything I've ever seen. I began screaming at people to "move out back out" and pushed open a clearing in the crowd so this man could be carried to a safe place where he could be cared for. Several trained therapists were on hand and cared for this man until he had regained his composure. He stayed with us that night and I had the opportunity to speak with him at length. I have nothing but respect for him and understood his pain and why this happened.

As the day drew to an end, most people left CC. It is probably a good thing that only a small crowd actually camps out there on the road. Space and supplies are limited. I would guess somewhere around 30 people were there at night, maybe 40. There is a concern for the safety of those staying at the camp at night. In addition to the man shooting his rifle nearby on Sunday morning, we heard gunfire both nights that I was there. For this reason, Cindy has been asked by the Sheriff's office to not stay out there at night. He said he didn't think she would be safe.

At night, we sat around in small groups, talking. Ideas were exchanged, people engaged in dialogue and eyes and minds were opened. And, among the small group I was talking with, there was agreement that we'd rather die there at Camp Casey than go back to inactivity. Something had shifted. We were re-finding the strength of our own convictions - something that had gotten lost these past 3 years. No one was encouraging the use of violence - but the willingness to put our lives on the line for what is right. Our own integrity is all we have left. Our freedoms are being taken away, our minds are being numbed and our hearts are being hardened by this society we live in. We are paralyzed by fear. Apathy is rampant and drug induced. And we all felt that now is the time. Something has shifted. And if we don't act now, we may not have the chance. These are not empty words. People are waking up. I truly believe that. And the govt. will do all it can to put us back to sleep.

Sitting around in little huddles at night under the stars. The people are organizing. And that's one thing we realized. What we are doing scares the "powers that be", currently George Bush and his regime, because when people start talking TO each other, when they come together, that's when they are powerful. The power of Camp Casey goes way beyond the public demonstrations caught on camera and the interviews given. The power of Camp Casey is what is happening between everyone who steps foot on that small strip of road and realizes they aren't alone. And hearing one person say, "We are tired of this shit and we want it to stop." (Cindy speaks from the hip!) gives another person the power to say it, too. It's what's happening there when the sun has set and the people come together and begin organizing to never let up - that's why Camp Casey scares Bush.
I am hoping to go back to Camp Casey at the end of the week. And I ask each of you to go. Find a way. We have to keep this going.

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August 07, 2005

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